Being yourself...naturally.

I have been really thoughtful this week, thinking a lot about writing and what it means to me.
Or what it doesn´t mean to me.
The ewige question in my life.
And I really do not think I have received now the big answer from above.
Sorry to disappoint...
But I did realize one thing: You just need to be yourself.
The good, the bad and the ugly.
Because at the end of the day, you can try and you can change and you can be all sorts of things, but nothing will come as naturally as being you! And nothing beside what comes naturally will really work.
Or let´s say work in a way that will make you (reasonably) happy and comfortable.
And guess what?!
This is not (necessarily) a universal truth.
Nope.
This is just my own, personal truth.
Take it or leave it.
Whatever works for you, will work for you.

Pensive

I have been really pensive this week.
So I haven´t written here much.
Interestingly, I find that I have gotten further then in some very active weeks.
Hm.

Still @ finding my own voice

I am still thinking a lot about the term "finding your own voice".
Whether related to writing or in life.
This is such an interesting endeavour to be on.
Like in the titel "Still @ finding my own voice": That is definately not my own voice, that sounds like Twitterese to me. But I am curious how many people it will speak to, as it is the voice of "nowaday".

I have mentioned before that I am working on several books at once. I think one of the reasons is that I want to be able to speak in different voices.

I am rambling on....many thoughts....
Back to writing now...

Oh-oh!

Oh-oh!

 I suddenly realized, that I could talk about the number of pages I write during any given day.

Since this blog is for me, it is supposed to help me and animate me to write more.
Not because I have to, but because I want to, but struggle with the process. Now that I am so nicely getting again and again into “flows”, I seem to need to challenge myself more?!
I like the idea.
But the idea also scares me.
I feel like it would be such an outing.
So maybe I need to start with an outing right now, to kick it off.
I don´t actually write that much per day. Sometimes, often, nothing.
There you go.
I call myself a writer, but do not write.
I would have been deeply ashamed in the past to write this. Already just to write it. I am not talking about publishing it and letting people, anyone, know. I would have been ashamed in front of myself.
Now I feel – mixed. A little embarassed. But feeling optimistic. Because I actually write now much more often then ever before. And I do not write autobiographically all the time, like ten plus years ago when I wrote more regularly for a while.
I write because I want to.
I do not write because I have to.
And sometimes writing just two lines is such a pleasure and success.
And then, on days like these, when I write more then a page, I feel – serene and pleased.
Feeling simply pleased is truely underestimated.

Really, I wrote that?!

Really, I wrote that?!
 
I have several concepts of books and also short-stories.
I kept thinking of one of my short stories lately.
So finally I opened the folder today.
And was surprised!
I had actually already written 2 pages of it. Surprise!
And it was not bad, not bad at all.
So, I guess, it needs to be finished.
It is asking to be finished.

What is this book about?

What is this book about, I asked myself while writing away. I don´t know.
All of the other book concepts have some sort of plot. Or at least some concrete ideas about the direction or characters. Or at least something to hold onto.
This is just about a mood.
But I love it.
I am just writing away at it and it just flows. I let it take me to where it wants to. Against all “normal” concepts of how to write a book.
And I am enjoying myself immensely.

I keep having to think of the expression: “Finding my own voice.”

I wonder if this is what the (book-) writing struggle is about for me.

There is an answer in resistance!

I had an epiphany today.
There is an anwer in resistance.
Any kind of resistance.
Whether inner, outer, public, private, loud or quiet.
And resistance to anything.
You pick the topic, you have an answer.
Because the topic is really picking you!

So - there is an answer to my inner resistance to writing.
Now let me go and dig and have a look.....

Not doing something...

I have been so busy today.
Cannot think of anything worthwhile to write.
Neither for the blog, nor for my books.
Makes me sad, somehow.
I am going to go and read a good book and sleep.
Sometimes not doing something (ie writing) opens-up new opportunities to see that something in a different light.
How did the Dalai Lama say?!
"Sometimes not getting what you want can be a wonderful stroke of luck!"

Writing about writing

Writing is all about writing.
The process.
The necessity.
The pain.
Writing is about passion and frustration.
About excitement, about orgasm.
Yours.
Writing is...
The intensity of life through words.
Or...the banality of life through words.

Total meltdown

I was sitting in my car on my way home from town.
I let the last week or two of writing go by in my mind.
Everything is going so well with my blogging and my writing is also moving along.
So - I panic.
What if this good wave stops?
What if I get writer´s block?
What if all the positive feedback is just kindness?
What if publishers will view it entirely differently?
Or if I cannot even finish a book?
I feel panicked!
My heartbeat increases, I start to perspire.
But only for a moment.
"Calm down!" I tell myself.
Tomorrow is another day.
And it is.

Self-marketing

When I started this blog, it was really just for me.
To keep me on track.
The force me to write.
Really? Well - actually - to give me a bad conscience when I do write, as I "promised" myself and told people I would write almost daily.
Which makes it okay to write every other day, but if I do not do at least that, I feel bad.
Oh my God, these are the real confessions!
Feeling guilty about not doing something that I speak about since my childhood as my holy grail?!
I groan at the thought.
And get embarassed.

Fast forward to several weeks of having started writing on my books and writing this blog quite intensely:
I now post every new entry to my Facebook page.
I have started sending emails to people not or  rarely on Facebook to check-out my blog.
I have just asked my blog to be added to a list of blogs on a writers'  page.
For me this is - WOW!
I am actually going from imaginary grey-mouse to self-marketing?!
Amazing.

Humbled

Sometimes I get angry with myself.
Sometimes I get angry with friends or family.
Often I get angry with/about my writing.
Why doesn´t this word or that word pop into my mind? Why doesn´t the flow come? Why don´t I feel in the mood?
Today, while shopping at a bakery, I got angry with a mother.
I was just ordering, when her about 6-year-old daughter pushes to the front of the queue and starts explaining what she wants. She touches me, shoves me, invades my space.
I look down and see her age, but think, that really, at least the mother should have some control over a child that age. Also - why doesn´t the mother intervene and pull her back?
I get annoyed, even angry.
And then the child starts insisting on a certain type of donut.
"No, not that one with the chocolate, the one beside it!"
"The one with the sugar," asks the Mum, ignoring the invasion of my space, pointing to the one the daughter means.
"No, that one!" The daughter is still pointing to the same one, with the sugar.
"How annoying." I sigh, inside myself, pulling slightly away.
But I am watching this child.
And the more I watch, the more I see - there is something wrong with this child.
And suddenly I realize: She is mentally and physically disabled, with little spastic movements.
The mother just wanted to give her excitement some room.
Literally.
Not caring if anyone else feels bothered.
I felt humbled.
And ashamed.
I smiled at her, making some room.
I don´t think I made-up for anything. She must have felt my vibes.
But my heart so went-out to this mother.

Maybe we shouldn´t be so angry.
We should cut others and ourselves more slack.

PS: Writing this story made me cry. If I can even vaguely evoke this kind of emotion in others - I will have succeeded in my wríting.

Choices

Dear Reader of this Blog,

As you might have already discovered, I am writing about writing. I am mainly writing about writing, because I find it so hard to write. Of course, this is utter rubbish, but it is the excuse I have been using for many years. So, as a first step, I decided to write this blog. As a kind of exercise. To test myself if I can actually stick with something, as I always feared I will not have the sitting-power (Sitzfleisch) to actually write a full book.
So, since early December, I have been writing on this blog.
My first conclusion is, that obviously, I can stick with things. Well, at least a month.
Good.
However.
Now I am starting to feel a kind of competition.
I am writing more and more on my books.
As well as the blog.
Shock!
And actually, I am finding more and more, that I would rather be working on one of the books then on the blog, time being limited as it is.
However, I feel committed and interested also in the blog.
How ironic is that?!
All I can say right here, right now, is - may this be the biggest creative problem I ever have!

Thanks for listening.

Fear of editing

Do not fear editing.
It is really this simple.
Write, as you want to write. Let it flow. Let the words and thoughts just come, when they do, as they do.
Since often enough they don´t.
Don´t think.
Don´t think about whether it will be the right thing.
Do not think whether you are going down the right path.
Just write and write and flow.
You do not need to fear the editing. This will come later.
Later that day or in a week or months or whenever you are ready, but it will come.

Conventional wisdom

One of the most important realisations I had about my writing (and my life in general) is that I need to go against the conventional wisdom.
Not out of principle.
Not at all.
It is just who I am and what works for me.
I need to follow my inner voice.
That is when I write what I want to write, that is when the flow comes about.
Like in real life.
It is not about being right or wrong.
It is just about going with the flow.
In my case, this usually means going against conventional wisdom.
And here I go...

Anxiety

Sometimes when things start running smoothly, I get anxious.
Started working on a book?
Oh-oh.
Wrote a couple of satisfying lines?
Oh,  no!
Mapped-out new details that feel good?
Ops!
Because - what will happen next?
Will the "magic" come again?
Anxiety is one of the biggest enemies of an author.
And so unnecessary.
So I just turn around and go on.

Reverse logic

I woke-up this morning and had a great idea of how to start one of my books.
Of course I turned-around in bed and wanted to snooze on.
Maybe I should have had it within me to jump out of bed, skip-hop-run to the computer, switch it on and write - but I didn´t.
I got-up half an hour later, but tea and everyday life had me in its grip.
I was going to write it up right after showering and dressing, but time flew and I had an appointment, so I didn´t.
One thing led to another all day long.
I was going to do it as soon as I switched on my computer in the evening, but I made some phone calls, so I didn´t.
Then I decided it was time to go to bed.
So I opened my files and started writing.
Reverse logic.
So I did.

Plans

I have been planing all day to blog.
I have been also planing to go through my notes on one of the books.
I have been thinking about what to blog about and was already writing in my head.
I was thinking so much about both, that I did neither.
Except now, here I am.
Empty-handed.
I just cannot recall what I had wanted to write about.
There was just so much, that nothing is left.
Domani, domani.

Unsurmountable mountains

Sometimes we have plans.
Big plans.
Okay - often.
Everyone I know has big plans.
But there are always reasons why you cannot put them into action.
I could call them excuses, but now I am talking about something else.
Unsurmountable mountains.
It seems like even if you put a lot of effort and time, it will be impossible.
Unsurmountable mountains.
Often linked to not having enough time.
And money.
And ability.
Unsurmountable mountains.
It seems like it would take forever.
And all the effort!
Unsurmountable mountains.
Until one day, you start and in a couple of hours it is all done.
Suddenly you do not see the mountain any more.
Just the valleys all around.