Other things....

It´s been a very quiet and exciting time the last week or two since I haven´t been writing on this blog (much).
I haven´t been writing otherwise either.
Not at all.
Zero.
Zich,
Guess what?
So what?! - that is how I truely feel.
I am really amazed and thankful.
I have finally taken the time and determination - and the help of this blog and many supporters - to write.
And realized, that wekk, maybe, possibly....no, no, this is absolutely the wrong way of putting it!
Let me start that sentence again: I have realized, that I love to have great ideas of/on books. And I have them all the time. I even dreamt an action thriller revolving around an elevator!
But - this doesn´t mean I want to actually write the books.
because, quite frankly, I don´t.
Maybe this will change.
But now I can pretty safely say, that the reason I haven´t written in all these years, not to mention decades, is because I simply didn´t really want to.
Life can be so simple.
I just always found it so hard to accept.
That life can be so simple.
So I have been (re-)discovering what it is that I really want to be doing daily.
Not what I should be or not what will necessarily make me a living.
It´s been such a - surprise - quiet ride!

So, friends and fans, stay tuned.
Because I have also discovered, that I enjoy this blog and sometimes want to say something.
And by all means I will.
After all: I DID name the blog also "writing about other things...".

It´s strange...

It´s strange.
I just do not have the desire to write.
I have all these great book ideas and these great story-lines. I still think of them occasionally, but I just do not feel I want to actually write any part of them.
At least not now.
Right now, I feel I want to do lots of different things, which I am actually doing.
Strangely I do not feel at all like I want to or am lamenting about doing or not doing anything.
I feel like I am doing exactly what I want to be doing.
Strange.
But, guess what?! Great!

Writing about not-writing

I wanted to write, that maybe I should rename my blog, which would also reflect phases of non-writing. But then, this is what this whole blog is about. The struggle between writing and not writing.

I just read somewhere that writing begets writing.
SO true!
A friend of mine sent me a link, which is meant to help you challenge yourself on writing a certain amount of words a day, 6 days a week. So clever.
And so typical me to be all excited about the prospect and "need" some outside "stimulus" to then continue with something I claim is what I want.

I need to think more about what I want.
Or maybe not.
Maybe I just need to think less and write more.
Hm.

Being yourself...naturally.

I have been really thoughtful this week, thinking a lot about writing and what it means to me.
Or what it doesn´t mean to me.
The ewige question in my life.
And I really do not think I have received now the big answer from above.
Sorry to disappoint...
But I did realize one thing: You just need to be yourself.
The good, the bad and the ugly.
Because at the end of the day, you can try and you can change and you can be all sorts of things, but nothing will come as naturally as being you! And nothing beside what comes naturally will really work.
Or let´s say work in a way that will make you (reasonably) happy and comfortable.
And guess what?!
This is not (necessarily) a universal truth.
Nope.
This is just my own, personal truth.
Take it or leave it.
Whatever works for you, will work for you.

Still @ finding my own voice

I am still thinking a lot about the term "finding your own voice".
Whether related to writing or in life.
This is such an interesting endeavour to be on.
Like in the titel "Still @ finding my own voice": That is definately not my own voice, that sounds like Twitterese to me. But I am curious how many people it will speak to, as it is the voice of "nowaday".

I have mentioned before that I am working on several books at once. I think one of the reasons is that I want to be able to speak in different voices.

I am rambling on....many thoughts....
Back to writing now...

Oh-oh!

Oh-oh!

 I suddenly realized, that I could talk about the number of pages I write during any given day.

Since this blog is for me, it is supposed to help me and animate me to write more.
Not because I have to, but because I want to, but struggle with the process. Now that I am so nicely getting again and again into “flows”, I seem to need to challenge myself more?!
I like the idea.
But the idea also scares me.
I feel like it would be such an outing.
So maybe I need to start with an outing right now, to kick it off.
I don´t actually write that much per day. Sometimes, often, nothing.
There you go.
I call myself a writer, but do not write.
I would have been deeply ashamed in the past to write this. Already just to write it. I am not talking about publishing it and letting people, anyone, know. I would have been ashamed in front of myself.
Now I feel – mixed. A little embarassed. But feeling optimistic. Because I actually write now much more often then ever before. And I do not write autobiographically all the time, like ten plus years ago when I wrote more regularly for a while.
I write because I want to.
I do not write because I have to.
And sometimes writing just two lines is such a pleasure and success.
And then, on days like these, when I write more then a page, I feel – serene and pleased.
Feeling simply pleased is truely underestimated.

What is this book about?

What is this book about, I asked myself while writing away. I don´t know.
All of the other book concepts have some sort of plot. Or at least some concrete ideas about the direction or characters. Or at least something to hold onto.
This is just about a mood.
But I love it.
I am just writing away at it and it just flows. I let it take me to where it wants to. Against all “normal” concepts of how to write a book.
And I am enjoying myself immensely.

I keep having to think of the expression: “Finding my own voice.”

I wonder if this is what the (book-) writing struggle is about for me.

There is an answer in resistance!

I had an epiphany today.
There is an anwer in resistance.
Any kind of resistance.
Whether inner, outer, public, private, loud or quiet.
And resistance to anything.
You pick the topic, you have an answer.
Because the topic is really picking you!

So - there is an answer to my inner resistance to writing.
Now let me go and dig and have a look.....

Writing about writing

Writing is all about writing.
The process.
The necessity.
The pain.
Writing is about passion and frustration.
About excitement, about orgasm.
Yours.
Writing is...
The intensity of life through words.
Or...the banality of life through words.

Self-marketing

When I started this blog, it was really just for me.
To keep me on track.
The force me to write.
Really? Well - actually - to give me a bad conscience when I do write, as I "promised" myself and told people I would write almost daily.
Which makes it okay to write every other day, but if I do not do at least that, I feel bad.
Oh my God, these are the real confessions!
Feeling guilty about not doing something that I speak about since my childhood as my holy grail?!
I groan at the thought.
And get embarassed.

Fast forward to several weeks of having started writing on my books and writing this blog quite intensely:
I now post every new entry to my Facebook page.
I have started sending emails to people not or  rarely on Facebook to check-out my blog.
I have just asked my blog to be added to a list of blogs on a writers'  page.
For me this is - WOW!
I am actually going from imaginary grey-mouse to self-marketing?!
Amazing.

Humbled

Sometimes I get angry with myself.
Sometimes I get angry with friends or family.
Often I get angry with/about my writing.
Why doesn´t this word or that word pop into my mind? Why doesn´t the flow come? Why don´t I feel in the mood?
Today, while shopping at a bakery, I got angry with a mother.
I was just ordering, when her about 6-year-old daughter pushes to the front of the queue and starts explaining what she wants. She touches me, shoves me, invades my space.
I look down and see her age, but think, that really, at least the mother should have some control over a child that age. Also - why doesn´t the mother intervene and pull her back?
I get annoyed, even angry.
And then the child starts insisting on a certain type of donut.
"No, not that one with the chocolate, the one beside it!"
"The one with the sugar," asks the Mum, ignoring the invasion of my space, pointing to the one the daughter means.
"No, that one!" The daughter is still pointing to the same one, with the sugar.
"How annoying." I sigh, inside myself, pulling slightly away.
But I am watching this child.
And the more I watch, the more I see - there is something wrong with this child.
And suddenly I realize: She is mentally and physically disabled, with little spastic movements.
The mother just wanted to give her excitement some room.
Literally.
Not caring if anyone else feels bothered.
I felt humbled.
And ashamed.
I smiled at her, making some room.
I don´t think I made-up for anything. She must have felt my vibes.
But my heart so went-out to this mother.

Maybe we shouldn´t be so angry.
We should cut others and ourselves more slack.

PS: Writing this story made me cry. If I can even vaguely evoke this kind of emotion in others - I will have succeeded in my wríting.

Choices

Dear Reader of this Blog,

As you might have already discovered, I am writing about writing. I am mainly writing about writing, because I find it so hard to write. Of course, this is utter rubbish, but it is the excuse I have been using for many years. So, as a first step, I decided to write this blog. As a kind of exercise. To test myself if I can actually stick with something, as I always feared I will not have the sitting-power (Sitzfleisch) to actually write a full book.
So, since early December, I have been writing on this blog.
My first conclusion is, that obviously, I can stick with things. Well, at least a month.
Good.
However.
Now I am starting to feel a kind of competition.
I am writing more and more on my books.
As well as the blog.
Shock!
And actually, I am finding more and more, that I would rather be working on one of the books then on the blog, time being limited as it is.
However, I feel committed and interested also in the blog.
How ironic is that?!
All I can say right here, right now, is - may this be the biggest creative problem I ever have!

Thanks for listening.

Reverse logic

I woke-up this morning and had a great idea of how to start one of my books.
Of course I turned-around in bed and wanted to snooze on.
Maybe I should have had it within me to jump out of bed, skip-hop-run to the computer, switch it on and write - but I didn´t.
I got-up half an hour later, but tea and everyday life had me in its grip.
I was going to write it up right after showering and dressing, but time flew and I had an appointment, so I didn´t.
One thing led to another all day long.
I was going to do it as soon as I switched on my computer in the evening, but I made some phone calls, so I didn´t.
Then I decided it was time to go to bed.
So I opened my files and started writing.
Reverse logic.
So I did.

Plans

I have been planing all day to blog.
I have been also planing to go through my notes on one of the books.
I have been thinking about what to blog about and was already writing in my head.
I was thinking so much about both, that I did neither.
Except now, here I am.
Empty-handed.
I just cannot recall what I had wanted to write about.
There was just so much, that nothing is left.
Domani, domani.

Patience

How does the saying go again?! "Art immitates life." Or is it the other way around?
In either case I am learning to write and I am writing to learn.
And both include patience.
Now patience is not my middle name.
My middle name actually means red in another language.
Red like temperament, red like fire, red like action.
So, you see, patience is not my middle name.
But - what´s in a name?!
Destiny is what we make of it.
Patience could become my adopted name!
Patience could become my life philosophy.
Patience could just become a new attitude.
Not even linked so entirely to the word patience, which connotes all sorts of "having to wait" scenarios.
Maybe patience is really just letting things flow.
And I totally believe in the flow.

Let the editor do the editing!

I was just listening to No Doubt´s "In my head"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GuXcGG-ehZ8
when I drifting, in thought, to my "sequential book".
I was trying out ideas and kept pressing delete.
In my head.
It wasn´t even in writing!
And suddenly it hit me: Keep the editing for the editor.
Sometimes you just need to go. Do. Be. Write.
And think about the rest later.
Much later.
Because often the flow comes in the process and that is how you get your best ideas.
I hope this finally gets into my head!

Expectations and finding your own voice

As Christmas has been coming-up, I have been thinking about whether to be packing presents and generally preparing or writing.
We are surrounded by our and other´s expectations.
I have been also thinking about finding my own voice related to writing, oscillating between at least 3 different book ideas, which are quite different.
I thought these are two different topics and I would write two different blog-posts.
But it is one and the same.
We can find our own voice, meet our own needs and still be respectful of other people´s expectations - which often happen to have a lot to do with our own, we just externalise.
We just don´t always realize.
I can wrap the presents and prepare for Christmas and still find some time to write.
I can work on different books parallel, find the different right tones and be satisfied by the process.
My process.
It´s okay.
Everything is going to be alright.

How long is a page?

Mostly, I just decide to write.
I mean the moment before I then sit down to the computer and start writing.
I switch on the computer, open my files, maybe reread my notes or some of the actual text and then just continue or start another chapter of the book or make more notes.
But sometimes, after starting to write a couple of sentences, I just sit there and wait.
Wait for the page to be filled.
By some miracle magic something.
Okay - by me.
By my inspiration.
I want to be so immersed in the text and the thoughts and the moment within the book that I don´t even look-up, but just write and write and write.
I can always edit later.
But sometimes I just sit there and wait for the page to be filled.

Should I be writing or should I be writing?

You know....
I feel committed to this blog.
But I am learning something about priorities lately.
I can be writing to you all.
Or I can be writing my book.
You get my point.
See ya!

Discipline - The Theory - Take 1

I have been meaning to write about discipline.
I even started a blogpost, but then had so much more to add and wanted to make it "whole", "round", "cohesive". This was 5 days ago and I haven´t had the time to continue.
What is discipline really about, I ask myself.
Of course, simplified, it is to keep at something you decide to keep at.
But that seems such a banal and one dimensional definition.
I think already the concept of discipline is irritating me and I am wondering why.
More to come on my thought about discipline, but what I know today is this:
It´s much easier to just have my "verbal diarrea" of whatever comes to my mind, then to sit, regularly, and work on what needs to be worked on.
I need to think about this.