Writing about Writing and Other Things

Going with the flow

2012-03-01T12:29:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine invited me to a big and important event.
It´s a great opportunity for many different aspects of my life.
Business and personal.
I am not sure I want to go.
So I didn´t answer straight away whether I can make it.
The friend called me to ask if I am coming...
Big inner sigh.
I feel torn.
On the one hand, I am sure it would be a great evening, the possibility to meet and mingle with many people.
On the other hand, I do not feel "ready" in some way.
You know what?!
I am going to go with the flow - and not go.
When I am ready - the opportunity, in whatever form, will come again.

Giving yourself permission

2012-02-26T14:26:00.000-08:00

Listening to TED talks always inspires me amazingly.
I think more then anything it inspires me to be the best me I can be.
Not for anyone else or not because one "should", just because the people talking passionately about what they are passionate about, makes me feel passionate about, well, just me.
That seems like a weird thought, but in the end it isn´t, is it?!
When we are able to be passionate about ourselves and the things we do, our lives completely change.
It doesn´t matter at all what our lives are about. They still change and always to the better.

I can make an amazingly long list of things I am passionate about. And this changes all the time. While many things remain the same.
And suddenly I think: YES!
Allow yourself to be the best person you can be - for whatever that is worth and for whatever that means.
Give yourself persmission.
And then anything and everything can happen. Independent of what you thought yesterday about what could happen.
This is freedom.

And one more thought:
Random moments and random people happen to us all the time.
Smell the cheese. See the signs.
I still look back to the fateful meeting I was attending, when I first heard that my father was ill and in hospital. He never came home afterwards and passed away 4 months later.
But is it this moment, the call, that I remember?
No.
It is a colleague who I hardly knew, who left the company soon after, who asked me about my stigmata. I had always seen it, but never knew others could.
Since then, every time I am energized, I see it and smile and think of him.
Random people.
Change your life.
Thank you.

Es geht was weiter...

2012-02-21T13:38:00.000-08:00

I can now safely stop wondering if whatever it is I am going through, inside and outside, is a phase or not.
Who knows?! Who cares?!
But - it is great to see how, when you get into the flow, about yourself, things just move along totally smoothly and amazingly well.
I am so in awe of flow.
I used to think it is related to writing, but now I see it is a general principle.
And the flow can be just within you and within your thoughts and it WILL have an outside effect.
To all "nay-saysers": You do not believe it because you haven´t experienced it. Everyone who has experienced it has no doubt.

Other things....

2012-02-17T12:43:00.000-08:00

It´s been a very quiet and exciting time the last week or two since I haven´t been writing on this blog (much).
I haven´t been writing otherwise either.
Not at all.
Zero.
Zich,
Guess what?
So what?! - that is how I truely feel.
I am really amazed and thankful.
I have finally taken the time and determination - and the help of this blog and many supporters - to write.
And realized, that wekk, maybe, possibly....no, no, this is absolutely the wrong way of putting it!
Let me start that sentence again: I have realized, that I love to have great ideas of/on books. And I have them all the time. I even dreamt an action thriller revolving around an elevator!
But - this doesn´t mean I want to actually write the books.
because, quite frankly, I don´t.
Maybe this will change.
But now I can pretty safely say, that the reason I haven´t written in all these years, not to mention decades, is because I simply didn´t really want to.
Life can be so simple.
I just always found it so hard to accept.
That life can be so simple.
So I have been (re-)discovering what it is that I really want to be doing daily.
Not what I should be or not what will necessarily make me a living.
It´s been such a - surprise - quiet ride!

So, friends and fans, stay tuned.
Because I have also discovered, that I enjoy this blog and sometimes want to say something.
And by all means I will.
After all: I DID name the blog also "writing about other things...".

It´s strange...

2012-02-09T07:18:00.000-08:00

It´s strange.
I just do not have the desire to write.
I have all these great book ideas and these great story-lines. I still think of them occasionally, but I just do not feel I want to actually write any part of them.
At least not now.
Right now, I feel I want to do lots of different things, which I am actually doing.
Strangely I do not feel at all like I want to or am lamenting about doing or not doing anything.
I feel like I am doing exactly what I want to be doing.
Strange.
But, guess what?! Great!

Writing about not-writing

2012-02-05T13:18:00.000-08:00

I wanted to write, that maybe I should rename my blog, which would also reflect phases of non-writing. But then, this is what this whole blog is about. The struggle between writing and not writing.

I just read somewhere that writing begets writing.
SO true!
A friend of mine sent me a link, which is meant to help you challenge yourself on writing a certain amount of words a day, 6 days a week. So clever.
And so typical me to be all excited about the prospect and "need" some outside "stimulus" to then continue with something I claim is what I want.

I need to think more about what I want.
Or maybe not.
Maybe I just need to think less and write more.
Hm.

Being yourself...naturally.

2012-01-29T04:38:00.000-08:00

I have been really thoughtful this week, thinking a lot about writing and what it means to me.
Or what it doesn´t mean to me.
The ewige question in my life.
And I really do not think I have received now the big answer from above.
Sorry to disappoint...
But I did realize one thing: You just need to be yourself.
The good, the bad and the ugly.
Because at the end of the day, you can try and you can change and you can be all sorts of things, but nothing will come as naturally as being you! And nothing beside what comes naturally will really work.
Or let´s say work in a way that will make you (reasonably) happy and comfortable.
And guess what?!
This is not (necessarily) a universal truth.
Nope.
This is just my own, personal truth.
Take it or leave it.
Whatever works for you, will work for you.

Pensive

2012-01-27T12:55:00.001-08:00

I have been really pensive this week.
So I haven´t written here much.
Interestingly, I find that I have gotten further then in some very active weeks.
Hm.

Still @ finding my own voice

2012-01-23T13:29:00.000-08:00

I am still thinking a lot about the term "finding your own voice".
Whether related to writing or in life.
This is such an interesting endeavour to be on.
Like in the titel "Still @ finding my own voice": That is definately not my own voice, that sounds like Twitterese to me. But I am curious how many people it will speak to, as it is the voice of "nowaday".

I have mentioned before that I am working on several books at once. I think one of the reasons is that I want to be able to speak in different voices.

I am rambling on....many thoughts....
Back to writing now...

Oh-oh!

2012-01-22T13:46:00.000-08:00

Oh-oh!

I suddenly realized, that I could talk about the number of pages I write during any given day.

Since this blog is for me, it is supposed to help me and animate me to write more.
Not because I have to, but because I want to, but struggle with the process. Now that I am so nicely getting again and again into “flows”, I seem to need to challenge myself more?!
I like the idea.
But the idea also scares me.
I feel like it would be such an outing.
So maybe I need to start with an outing right now, to kick it off.
I don´t actually write that much per day. Sometimes, often, nothing.
There you go.
I call myself a writer, but do not write.
I would have been deeply ashamed in the past to write this. Already just to write it. I am not talking about publishing it and letting people, anyone, know. I would have been ashamed in front of myself.
Now I feel – mixed. A little embarassed. But feeling optimistic. Because I actually write now much more often then ever before. And I do not write autobiographically all the time, like ten plus years ago when I wrote more regularly for a while.
I write because I want to.
I do not write because I have to.
And sometimes writing just two lines is such a pleasure and success.
And then, on days like these, when I write more then a page, I feel – serene and pleased.
Feeling simply pleased is truely underestimated.

Really, I wrote that?!

2012-01-20T06:29:00.001-08:00

Really, I wrote that?!

I have several concepts of books and also short-stories.
I kept thinking of one of my short stories lately.
So finally I opened the folder today.
And was surprised!
I had actually already written 2 pages of it. Surprise!
And it was not bad, not bad at all.
So, I guess, it needs to be finished.
It is asking to be finished.

What is this book about?

2012-01-19T05:50:00.000-08:00

What is this book about, I asked myself while writing away. I don´t know.
All of the other book concepts have some sort of plot. Or at least some concrete ideas about the direction or characters. Or at least something to hold onto.
This is just about a mood.
But I love it.
I am just writing away at it and it just flows. I let it take me to where it wants to. Against all “normal” concepts of how to write a book.
And I am enjoying myself immensely.

I keep having to think of the expression: “Finding my own voice.”

I wonder if this is what the (book-) writing struggle is about for me.

There is an answer in resistance!

2012-01-18T04:49:00.000-08:00

I had an epiphany today.
There is an anwer in resistance.
Any kind of resistance.
Whether inner, outer, public, private, loud or quiet.
And resistance to anything.
You pick the topic, you have an answer.
Because the topic is really picking you!

So - there is an answer to my inner resistance to writing.
Now let me go and dig and have a look.....

Not doing something...

2012-01-17T14:03:00.000-08:00

I have been so busy today.
Cannot think of anything worthwhile to write.
Neither for the blog, nor for my books.
Makes me sad, somehow.
I am going to go and read a good book and sleep.
Sometimes not doing something (ie writing) opens-up new opportunities to see that something in a different light.
How did the Dalai Lama say?!
"Sometimes not getting what you want can be a wonderful stroke of luck!"

Writing about writing

2012-01-16T12:19:00.000-08:00

Writing is all about writing.
The process.
The necessity.
The pain.
Writing is about passion and frustration.
About excitement, about orgasm.
Yours.
Writing is...
The intensity of life through words.
Or...the banality of life through words.

Total meltdown

2012-01-15T12:31:00.000-08:00

I was sitting in my car on my way home from town.
I let the last week or two of writing go by in my mind.
Everything is going so well with my blogging and my writing is also moving along.
So - I panic.
What if this good wave stops?
What if I get writer´s block?
What if all the positive feedback is just kindness?
What if publishers will view it entirely differently?
Or if I cannot even finish a book?
I feel panicked!
My heartbeat increases, I start to perspire.
But only for a moment.
"Calm down!" I tell myself.
Tomorrow is another day.
And it is.

Self-marketing

2012-01-14T00:01:00.000-08:00

When I started this blog, it was really just for me.
To keep me on track.
The force me to write.
Really? Well - actually - to give me a bad conscience when I do write, as I "promised" myself and told people I would write almost daily.
Which makes it okay to write every other day, but if I do not do at least that, I feel bad.
Oh my God, these are the real confessions!
Feeling guilty about not doing something that I speak about since my childhood as my holy grail?!
I groan at the thought.
And get embarassed.

Fast forward to several weeks of having started writing on my books and writing this blog quite intensely:
I now post every new entry to my Facebook page.
I have started sending emails to people not or rarely on Facebook to check-out my blog.
I have just asked my blog to be added to a list of blogs on a writers' page.
For me this is - WOW!
I am actually going from imaginary grey-mouse to self-marketing?!
Amazing.

Humbled

2012-01-12T12:56:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I get angry with myself.
Sometimes I get angry with friends or family.
Often I get angry with/about my writing.
Why doesn´t this word or that word pop into my mind? Why doesn´t the flow come? Why don´t I feel in the mood?
Today, while shopping at a bakery, I got angry with a mother.
I was just ordering, when her about 6-year-old daughter pushes to the front of the queue and starts explaining what she wants. She touches me, shoves me, invades my space.
I look down and see her age, but think, that really, at least the mother should have some control over a child that age. Also - why doesn´t the mother intervene and pull her back?
I get annoyed, even angry.
And then the child starts insisting on a certain type of donut.
"No, not that one with the chocolate, the one beside it!"
"The one with the sugar," asks the Mum, ignoring the invasion of my space, pointing to the one the daughter means.
"No, that one!" The daughter is still pointing to the same one, with the sugar.
"How annoying." I sigh, inside myself, pulling slightly away.
But I am watching this child.
And the more I watch, the more I see - there is something wrong with this child.
And suddenly I realize: She is mentally and physically disabled, with little spastic movements.
The mother just wanted to give her excitement some room.
Literally.
Not caring if anyone else feels bothered.
I felt humbled.
And ashamed.
I smiled at her, making some room.
I don´t think I made-up for anything. She must have felt my vibes.
But my heart so went-out to this mother.

Maybe we shouldn´t be so angry.
We should cut others and ourselves more slack.

PS: Writing this story made me cry. If I can even vaguely evoke this kind of emotion in others - I will have succeeded in my wríting.

Choices

2012-01-10T14:57:00.000-08:00

Dear Reader of this Blog,

As you might have already discovered, I am writing about writing. I am mainly writing about writing, because I find it so hard to write. Of course, this is utter rubbish, but it is the excuse I have been using for many years. So, as a first step, I decided to write this blog. As a kind of exercise. To test myself if I can actually stick with something, as I always feared I will not have the sitting-power (Sitzfleisch) to actually write a full book.
So, since early December, I have been writing on this blog.
My first conclusion is, that obviously, I can stick with things. Well, at least a month.
Good.
However.
Now I am starting to feel a kind of competition.
I am writing more and more on my books.
As well as the blog.
Shock!
And actually, I am finding more and more, that I would rather be working on one of the books then on the blog, time being limited as it is.
However, I feel committed and interested also in the blog.
How ironic is that?!
All I can say right here, right now, is - may this be the biggest creative problem I ever have!

Thanks for listening.

Fear of editing

2012-01-09T13:28:00.000-08:00

Do not fear editing.
It is really this simple.
Write, as you want to write. Let it flow. Let the words and thoughts just come, when they do, as they do.
Since often enough they don´t.
Don´t think.
Don´t think about whether it will be the right thing.
Do not think whether you are going down the right path.
Just write and write and flow.
You do not need to fear the editing. This will come later.
Later that day or in a week or months or whenever you are ready, but it will come.

Conventional wisdom

2012-01-07T13:03:00.000-08:00

One of the most important realisations I had about my writing (and my life in general) is that I need to go against the conventional wisdom.
Not out of principle.
Not at all.
It is just who I am and what works for me.
I need to follow my inner voice.
That is when I write what I want to write, that is when the flow comes about.
Like in real life.
It is not about being right or wrong.
It is just about going with the flow.
In my case, this usually means going against conventional wisdom.
And here I go...

Anxiety

2012-01-06T11:33:00.000-08:00

Sometimes when things start running smoothly, I get anxious.
Started working on a book?
Oh-oh.
Wrote a couple of satisfying lines?
Oh, no!
Mapped-out new details that feel good?
Ops!
Because - what will happen next?
Will the "magic" come again?
Anxiety is one of the biggest enemies of an author.
And so unnecessary.
So I just turn around and go on.

Reverse logic

2012-01-04T14:12:00.000-08:00

I woke-up this morning and had a great idea of how to start one of my books.
Of course I turned-around in bed and wanted to snooze on.
Maybe I should have had it within me to jump out of bed, skip-hop-run to the computer, switch it on and write - but I didn´t.
I got-up half an hour later, but tea and everyday life had me in its grip.
I was going to write it up right after showering and dressing, but time flew and I had an appointment, so I didn´t.
One thing led to another all day long.
I was going to do it as soon as I switched on my computer in the evening, but I made some phone calls, so I didn´t.
Then I decided it was time to go to bed.
So I opened my files and started writing.
Reverse logic.
So I did.

Plans

2012-01-03T13:16:00.000-08:00

I have been planing all day to blog.
I have been also planing to go through my notes on one of the books.
I have been thinking about what to blog about and was already writing in my head.
I was thinking so much about both, that I did neither.
Except now, here I am.
Empty-handed.
I just cannot recall what I had wanted to write about.
There was just so much, that nothing is left.
Domani, domani.

Unsurmountable mountains

2012-01-02T06:39:00.000-08:00

Sometimes we have plans.
Big plans.
Okay - often.
Everyone I know has big plans.
But there are always reasons why you cannot put them into action.
I could call them excuses, but now I am talking about something else.
Unsurmountable mountains.
It seems like even if you put a lot of effort and time, it will be impossible.
Unsurmountable mountains.
Often linked to not having enough time.
And money.
And ability.
Unsurmountable mountains.
It seems like it would take forever.
And all the effort!
Unsurmountable mountains.
Until one day, you start and in a couple of hours it is all done.
Suddenly you do not see the mountain any more.
Just the valleys all around.

Patience

2011-12-28T14:02:00.000-08:00

How does the saying go again?! "Art immitates life." Or is it the other way around?
In either case I am learning to write and I am writing to learn.
And both include patience.
Now patience is not my middle name.
My middle name actually means red in another language.
Red like temperament, red like fire, red like action.
So, you see, patience is not my middle name.
But - what´s in a name?!
Destiny is what we make of it.
Patience could become my adopted name!
Patience could become my life philosophy.
Patience could just become a new attitude.
Not even linked so entirely to the word patience, which connotes all sorts of "having to wait" scenarios.
Maybe patience is really just letting things flow.
And I totally believe in the flow.

Let the editor do the editing!

2011-12-25T13:24:00.000-08:00

I was just listening to No Doubt´s "In my head"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GuXcGG-ehZ8
when I drifting, in thought, to my "sequential book".
I was trying out ideas and kept pressing delete.
In my head.
It wasn´t even in writing!
And suddenly it hit me: Keep the editing for the editor.
Sometimes you just need to go. Do. Be. Write.
And think about the rest later.
Much later.
Because often the flow comes in the process and that is how you get your best ideas.
I hope this finally gets into my head!

Expectations and finding your own voice

2011-12-24T14:52:00.000-08:00

As Christmas has been coming-up, I have been thinking about whether to be packing presents and generally preparing or writing.
We are surrounded by our and other´s expectations.
I have been also thinking about finding my own voice related to writing, oscillating between at least 3 different book ideas, which are quite different.
I thought these are two different topics and I would write two different blog-posts.
But it is one and the same.
We can find our own voice, meet our own needs and still be respectful of other people´s expectations - which often happen to have a lot to do with our own, we just externalise.
We just don´t always realize.
I can wrap the presents and prepare for Christmas and still find some time to write.
I can work on different books parallel, find the different right tones and be satisfied by the process.
My process.
It´s okay.
Everything is going to be alright.

How long is a page?

2011-12-23T02:28:00.000-08:00

Mostly, I just decide to write.
I mean the moment before I then sit down to the computer and start writing.
I switch on the computer, open my files, maybe reread my notes or some of the actual text and then just continue or start another chapter of the book or make more notes.
But sometimes, after starting to write a couple of sentences, I just sit there and wait.
Wait for the page to be filled.
By some miracle magic something.
Okay - by me.
By my inspiration.
I want to be so immersed in the text and the thoughts and the moment within the book that I don´t even look-up, but just write and write and write.
I can always edit later.
But sometimes I just sit there and wait for the page to be filled.

Should I be writing or should I be writing?

2011-12-21T13:48:00.000-08:00

You know....
I feel committed to this blog.
But I am learning something about priorities lately.
I can be writing to you all.
Or I can be writing my book.
You get my point.
See ya!

Discipline - The Theory - Take 1

2011-12-19T14:35:00.000-08:00

I have been meaning to write about discipline.
I even started a blogpost, but then had so much more to add and wanted to make it "whole", "round", "cohesive". This was 5 days ago and I haven´t had the time to continue.
What is discipline really about, I ask myself.
Of course, simplified, it is to keep at something you decide to keep at.
But that seems such a banal and one dimensional definition.
I think already the concept of discipline is irritating me and I am wondering why.
More to come on my thought about discipline, but what I know today is this:
It´s much easier to just have my "verbal diarrea" of whatever comes to my mind, then to sit, regularly, and work on what needs to be worked on.
I need to think about this.

Wut - Anger!

2011-12-18T01:01:00.000-08:00

Ich denke heute nach dem Aufstehen an meinen Blogeintrag von gestern.
Darüber, daß diese Buchidee so sehr auf Deutsch geschrieben gehört.
"Na dann schreibe ich Dich auf Deutsch, verdammt nochmal!" denke ich und bin wütend.
Wut ist gut.
War früher immer mein Leitsatz, wenn ich wütend war.
Weil man sich da spürt.
Aber Wut sollte nicht der treibender Faktor sein, finde ich.
Vielleicht ist es hilfreich alles mal aus sich "rauszukotzen", aber man muß am Ende relativ sachlich noch das Editing machen.
Und da hilft keine Wut der Welt.
Also...Wut ist gut. Kurzfristig.

This is asking to be written in German...

2011-12-17T14:19:00.000-08:00

Ich hatte da eine Buchidee.
Naja, wie immer wieder.
Aber das Lustige an diese Buchidee war, daß sie unbedingt auf Deutsch geschrieben werden will.
Wobei ich nicht mal weiß ob man deutsch groß oder klein schreibt.
Na gut, dafür gibt es Abhilfen.
But the crazy thing is - I never write in German. Okay, maybe never is a too dramatic word.
You know, drama can be my middle name when verbalizing.
But really, I write in English, with the occasional hiccup of another language, usually as a poem.
But this book here - it needs to be written in German.
Well - who am I to argue?!
Here we go!

Lo and behold!

2011-12-14T13:57:00.000-08:00

After I finished my blog last night and switched-off my computer, I had so many ideas, that I filled 7 post-its just with key words!
WOW!
The power of starting something.
It made me think of the saying "The more things change, the more things remain the same."
But actually, the more you do of something, the more you are likely to do of it.
I used to always think that the more sex you have, the more you want. And the less you have, the less your desire somehow. Of course, this is an exageration, but I find a lot of truth in certain generalisations.
Which brings me to the term I coined about 4 years ago: You need to change your life to change your life.
Simple and to the point.
You are welcome!

More excuses...

2011-12-13T13:13:00.000-08:00

I have a sore throat. My head hurts.
I cannot possibly write.
Not even the blog.
Of course I managed to check my email and briefly go on Facebook.
Yeah, right - but cannot possibly write.
Excuses, excuses.
I am sick of them (LITERALLY!!!).
But this seems to be the current topic.
At the same time, I have been thinking more intensely about a new book idea I had.
I wish I would write more and think less.
Tomorrow....

Lamenting and Writing

2011-12-12T06:30:00.000-08:00

Did I really come back to my blog with a big lamentation of why I haven´t written and "what a bad girl I have been"?!
I am disgusted with myself!
So now I see where the issues are coming from!
Good!
People - including myself - are full of excuses on why they are not doing something.
I think I need to look at the "Aktionismus" era of art, because this is the word that pops into my mind.
I need to do more Aktionismus.
I will do more Aktionismus!
I am on a bit of a magic carpet ride since a little while and I can tell you, it is doing me lots of good.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=related&hl=en-GB&v=f51CzTlRj-Y
(Ignore the video, it´s a bout the music!)

Did I promise 45 days?

2011-12-10T13:06:00.000-08:00

I think I said something about 45 days to a friend...
Why?
Do I need pressure?
Do I need anything or anyone from outside?
Or is writing really just your inner process.
And totally irrelevant how long it takes?
I have a concept for a great weekly/bi-weekly or monthly column.
I had a great idea for a new book.
I have many ideas.
Execution? Anybody?!
Sigh.

It´s as bad as this...

2011-12-10T12:59:00.000-08:00

...which is - I didn´t even remember the name of my blog. Now that is miserable.
I am on a new holy grail.
It has to do with what I want.
Writing always has to do with what someone wants.
Don´t let anyone else tell you different!
And to discover what you want is pretty magic indeed.
(And I won´t pretend that I have the answer, because I don´t. But I will try to find it. Or at least find one answer. Or maybe one after the other?!)
"The future´s so bright, I gotta wear shades!"

Promises, promises...

2011-09-20T01:55:00.000-07:00

Of course I haven´t written...Here or "there".
Daily life is with me. Day-in and day-out.
Excuses, excuses.
And many promises to myself about when, if, how...
Sigh.
Will keep it coming.

Posting Blues

2011-08-30T12:57:00.000-07:00

There are a couple of blogs I look at occasionally...
Admittedly, they are about fashion and rather "shallow" concerns. But they relax me.
Should blogging be something serious?
Should writing be something serious?
My favourite poems - my own, that is - are the ones with humor. I like to tickle a smile or chuckle out of someone. And even it is only myself writing it or re-reading it.
:-)

Writing...about writing...

2011-08-29T14:08:00.000-07:00

I am writing....about writing. Which is much simppler and much harder at the same time then most people think. Including myself.
And I will start right here, right now.
Folyt. köv.